Locked and Loaded... Nerf Style

As a trained anthropologist and a dad of three, I’ve learned that one can know your children best by watching them in their element (actually, you don’t have to be an anthropologist to do that, I just thought it made me sound more important – ego thing, just go with it). It’s amazing when you put something in their hands how the object can reveal previously unseen personality traits like the sun shining through the parting storm clouds.

Against my wife’s better judgment (and maybe mine), Santa brought the kids a lot of guns and ammo last year - we discovered the wonders of Nerf dart guns. I’m telling you, these aren’t the guns that you and I played with. Remember when the game TAG (The Assassination Game) was all the rage in school (I’m talking early-80s), and was played with dart guns? Remember those guns? They shot a pathetic plastic dart about 10 feet. Remember trying to stick them to windows by gobbing a bunch of spit at the end of them only to result in a nasty splatter on the window?

Well, not anymore. Behold, I give you my three mercenaries wielding the power of Nerf:

Don’t let their cherubic faces fool you. Behind those unassuming doe-eyes lies the hearts of merciless killers. First to their weaponry: the intro level gun is what Alec, the one on the left is holding in his right hand. The finger hook at the back end of the gun (the “hammer” or “slide” if you will) makes it easy for a 5 year old to lock and load. The only draw back is that you are constantly loading, and for Jack (on the right), my oldest and most competitive child, that makes for some unnerving down time.

So he prefers the Maverick. It’s the other one Alec is holding, and Emma has one too. This is by far, the most superior weapon of the arsenal. Its six shooter barrel allows for repeated fire, and it holds every kind of dart that Nerf makes. A massive advantage when everyone is shooting mixed ammo – you can collect spent rounds and fire them back. The Maverick can take a beating too, holding up to countless drops on ceramic tile.

Now I know you are all staring at the big one Jack is holding. Yep, it’s inspiring. It’s a sniper rifle that I – I mean Santa bought – I mean built - in his workshop for me. Despite the looks, it has several disadvantages. It only shoots one kind of dart. So if when you run out of ammo, you have to stop the massacre to pick up your darts, then you have to reload, then you give the ok, and you’re ready to go. It doesn’t shoot any further than the Maverick (that I’ve noticed), and it jams too much, and when you are taking a barrage of fire from some toddlers with blood-lust and poor aim, that means ignominious death. Bottom line: the first one who successfully dives for an unused Maverick will prevail in the firefight.

And the darts – they stick to everything without any help from saliva glands. Textured walls and ceilings from 30 feet away are no exception. Nothing is more fun than seeing a narrow miss stick to the wall behind the intended target.

So much for armaments. How does this play out in the hands of my little gunnies?

Jack is a sniper by nature. His tactic is to hold his ground with intense ferocity. He loves bridging the distance between himself and his foe with only a well-placed dart (shots to the behind illicit endless glee). He is careful to choose ground with a lot of shelter forcing his foe (me) to either wait until he comes out or to break the only cardinal rule of NO HEAD SHOTS. Of course if I break the rule, the whole thing comes to a screeching halt, so I have to wait until he reaches for a stray dart and take out his wrist. I know, it’s mean and painful, but what else does he give me?!

Alec, true to his character, cares little for his own life and limb. He prefers close combat (running and gunning) to ensure his target is neutralized and is willing to sacrifice himself for the greater good. No matter how many rounds I empty in his gut as he runs directly at me, he shall never be destroyed. He prefers point blank shots to the face, but my desperate commands to “aim down, Alec, aim DOWN!” are eventually heeded and I take it in the chest. I see Alec as the cigar smoking, pragmatist superhero archetype (think Wolverine).

Emma was truly born with knowledge of her feminine powers of manipulation. Like the sirens who lull Odysseus’ sailors to crash into the jagged rocks, she will bring you near with the seemingly innocent request, “Daddy, how do you schock it?” Once you show her how to “cock it,” she turns the gun on you, and down you go. She repeats this process with each dart until the victim (me) declares a cease fire.

Heraclitus of Ephesus (ca. 535-475 BC) said "war is both father of all and king of all: it reveals the gods on the one hand and humans on the other, makes slaves on the one hand, the free on the other." Too true.

Big Love and Its Alcibiades

So I told my family that the next post would be an update on the kiddies, but there’s a far less important subject that’s been in the news and on my mind so I thought I’d jump on that before no one cares anymore. Hey, this is my blog – get your own!

Let me tell you, it’s been a real treat to read the news lately especially the stuff that’s on the net regarding my church, the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. The latest episode regarding the HBO series, Big Love, has certainly held my attention. If you don’t know the details, sorry, I’m not going to go through it here. I prefer to keep this site at its currently dignified, lofty, and majestic level. You can check that stuff out on your own. It’s everywhere.

There is of course an ancient precedent to the events happening in our society; and one from which I think we could learn quite a bit. While you probably will, I usually never tire of putting things in an historical context. This particular ancient episode is a small footnote in history that is probably overlooked by most historians as unimportant. That’s because in the realm of religious history, most historians have no idea how to relate.

As I recall, the year was around August of 415 BC – ahh I remember it well (you should be seeing a wavy image on the screen as I rub my chin). There once was a very impetuous, but well-loved and heroic Athenian general named Alcibiades who was fond of the booze. While on a leave of absence from the campaign against the Spartans during the Peloponnesian War, he got a little too wild at a party. Wild parties among the elite were pretty normal and a great deal of bacchanalia was usually tolerated. But Alcibiades crossed the line and did something so bad, so irresponsible, and so disrespectful, that the Athenian people allowed the accusations of slaves and resident aliens to determine the fate of Athens’ great general, and also the course of their history.

Now before I tell you what he did, you need to know a little about Greek culture. The Greeks aren’t easily offended. These are the guys that invented freedom of speech, that allowed regular, non-royal guys like Plato, Socrates, Aristotle, Thucidydes, and Xenophon a voice. They even insulted kings, political leaders, and religious followers as part of a sacrament to the Gods in their yearly religious ceremonies. So what did Alcibiades do? He made a mockery of the Eleusinian Mysteries by donning the robes of the High Priest and re-enacting the ritual at his own home during this party.

Your next question should be (no, not “when is he going to get to the point?” but…) “what are the Eleusinian Mysteries?” I’ve only been waiting for you to ask that question for years, but I’ll try to keep this short. The mysteries of Eleusis are sacred rituals named after their location near Athens, Greece. The best way to get up close and personal with God (which was difficult for Greeks back in those days) was to be initiated into these mysteries. That involved entering a temple built on that site (and which stood for hundreds of years); ritual cleansing; taking oaths of secrecy that expressly forbade talking about or showing the rituals to anyone outside the temple especially the uninitiated; re-enacting mythology; and at the end being taken into the central room and introduced to the highest mystery. There are a few other details that exist, but since oaths of secrecy were taken seriously, we don’t know much more than that.

[Above is the location of the Anactorion - what would have been considered the Holy of Holies - at Eleusis, where initiates were revealed the mysteries of the goddess Demeter.]

Alcibiades was condemned to death, his estate was confiscated, his name was decreed a public curse (interestingly a priestess refused to curse him, on the reason that her voice was devoted to prayer not curses). He fled Athens to avoid execution.

While I’m certainly glad we live in a more free society than 415 BC Athens, and that no American court condemns people to death for revealing sacred ceremonies, I’m dismayed at how quickly Americans break oaths. Furthermore, it’s amazing how readily the oath is broken when money is offered (Big Love stated that they had an ex-Mormon “informant”). Secular humanists or atheists might say that an oath to a god that doesn’t exist isn’t really an oath, or has no efficacy. But oaths made in the temple are not just between God and the individual but include numerous witnesses – other people. An oath between humans should be one of, if not the highest measure of trust among those who deny the existence of God - what else is there?

Ultimately, there is no logical excuse for breaking an oath regardless the individuals or entities with whom the oath is made. As a kid, I was always taught that “a man is only as good as his word.” I wonder when and how it became acceptable to not worry about that.

Speaking of which, I guess I’d better get on that entry about my family!